So, I'm officially over the Internet.
I mean, I hung in there. I spent my early years in the old Microsoft Chat rooms. Days and nights were spent in the MSN Movie Chat, having film trivia competitions while the Movie Soundtrack audio companion played over the top. But, alas, the vast internet predator menace has seen the end of the Microsoft chats. So, I moved onto my next hobby, Online Gaming.
I started from the bottom, playing
Runescape or
Neopets, because the price was right. I soon grew bored of the witty banter of 14 year olds, and moved up to Quake 2 and Diablo 2. But while I stayed in my neat little isometric, faux-3D world of Doom 2 everybody else moved into their basements and onto World of Warcraft.
I took to Webcomics next, starting off with
The Parking Lot is Full, moving on to
The The Perry Bible Fellowship, and finally settling on
The Toothpaste for Dinner. But they no longer amuse. Has the internet stolen what little sense of humour I once had?
So, we get to the Golden Age of my internet usage. I was a
Something Awful addict, browsing their Forums for days, my fingers glued to the CTRL, C and V buttons as I filled my hard drive with wacky Photoshops. And daily I got my news from the blog
Fark.com, where news of the world is submitted under various headers, ranging from scary to silly, and the Forum dwellers are as geeky as they come. I was there as the Flying Spaghetti Monster was born. I was there as "Snakes on a Plane" began its unusual journey to becoming the next Rocky Horror Picture Show. I got the Gmail account, bought crap I don't need from Trademe and mined Fanfiction.net of all its good Pokemon tales.
But now, I find it hard to stare at Google without feeling tired. My internet habits grew more nefarious as I tried to burn myself out. My downward spiral left scores of Wikipedia articles vandalised, and innocent people seeking honest information on The Mongrel Mob were left puzzled. Yesterday I started a new account on Runescape and jumped on. Thirty minutes later I awoke, having actually fallen asleep on my laptop out of sheer boredom. Youtube and Google video ran out of old obscure Japanese wrestling matches for me to watch, and has now been cast aside. And don't even get me started on the Flash archives of Newgrounds.com.
So, I am utterly bored of the Internet. Nothing on it interests me. Is there no help for me? Is there no new fad I can ride, no wacky website I can manipulate, no online lifestyle I can lead? Have I done everything there is to do on the Web? Can somebody save me from this Xtra-hosted depression?
Oh well. I wonder what's on TV?